


What if I had killed myself?

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M, Sad Louis, Sad Zayn, Self Harming, Suicidal Thoughts, kind of shitty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:57:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis feels like Zayn is fading away from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What if I had killed myself?

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah... I wrote a little and this is what cae up. Mentions of self harm/suicidal thoughts so please do not read if you don't like things like that.

_I don’t know why I feel this way, like I’ve known you my whole life. Like your secrets are my secrets and my secrets yours. It feels like you’ve always been within me, following me on my journey and supporting me in moments where I needed it. I was lost in my life, didn’t know what to do. I was in the deepest of sees unable to get up the surface, in the middle of a labyrinth always choosing the wrong path. When I was about to give up I saw you and knew I needed to continue to fight, not for myself but for you. Then you came closer and closer until you were standing right in front of me with_ _your arms wide open, begging me to follow you._  
 _I did._  
 _That’s the only thing I haven’t regretted in my life, getting to know my other half, the part of me that was missing. You really showed me how to live and how to love. But the only thing I grew to love was you; I couldn’t love anyone else then you. Soon I started to see how imperfect I was. I had a tummy, no muscles like you, blue boring eyes instead of your honey-brown colour, my voice was so weak while you could take all the high notes in every song you sang, you’re beautiful and I’m not. I thought that maybe if I stopped eating I would look as slim as you, maybe I’d be good enough for you to love. While I stopped eating you didn’t notice, I made you think I just had worked out a bit more when you asked why my shirts didn’t cling to my tummy anymore._  
 _I know you didn’t mean to sound mean, you just didn’t know how to say it._  
 _That’s what I said to myself._ Tears prickle the paper and some of the letters gets blurry.  
 _Then you started to slowly fade away. I didn’t see you as often, we didn’t sleep in the same bed anymore, you didn’t walk beside me and we didn’t kiss. I felt useless so I tried to get your attention. At first I just tried to be louder, tell more jokes and make you tea, but you wouldn’t look at me._  
 _I promise I was just going to do it one time. But then I suddenly craved it. I craved the feeling of blood spilling out from my body, how the red liquid would be in strong contrast to my now pale skin. It just looked beautiful. (But not more than you, you’re the most beautiful thing I know). Then I started going deeper and deeper, to see more blood, to overcome the pain in my heart._  
 _You never noticed, so now I’ve decided that I should… I should do what I should have done before I met you._  
 _I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you, that I didn’t have your other half._  
 _Say to the others that I love them,_  
 _Love from_

“What are you doing Lou?” I turn my head and there he stands, Zayn. “Lou…?” He walks closer and I back away with closed eyes. I really don’t want him to find out. Fuck, he will find out and hate me even more. “Louis, give me the bottle.” Shaking my head know I try to pry it open without looking. I hear Zayn’s footsteps walking closer and then he’s hugging me tightly. “Come one Louis, I love you.” He loves me. _Loves me._ Loves _me_. Tears falls down my cheeks and now it’s no turning back. He’s got me in his arms again.  
“I-I l-love yo-ou too, Z-zayn” I’m losing it. I’m in his arms crying and telling him I love him when I should be dead. I should be dead. Weakly I try to take the bottle again, but Zayn has putted it away. Too far away.  
“Louis, listen to me. I love you, I need you, and you have to stay with me. Please stay with me Lou. Don’t fade away.” Like you’d care anyways. “Please Lou, I know I’ve been shit but I just didn’t know what to do and then you just disappeared slowly when we needed each other and now I was going to talk to you and then I find you in the bathroom about to kill yourself ad I just can’t take it anymore.” He’s also crying now, bawling his eyes out in my shoulder. His body is shaking and he clings to my shirt like I’m going somewhere.  
I where going to go somewhere.  
“I-I’m sorry Zayn. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t – I didn’t think you – I didn’t think you needed me. I thought- I thought you wanted to leave m-me Zayn.” I hug him just as tight, to prove my point. “I love you, too.”

Zayn just cries harder when I try to comfort him, whimpering and moving his lips without any sound coming from them. He’s slowly loosening his arms around my torso, now holding them against his stomach, rocking back and forth but still near me. His eyes are glancing, looking far, far away and his lips are still forming words without making any sound.  
What if I would have killed myself? How would he react then?!  
“Zayn… What is it?” I silently ask and lay my hand on his knee. His eyes shoot up and he lets out a whimper, slowly taking his hands away from his stomach and then he lifts up his shirt. I gasp and look away, not finding scars beautiful anymore. Zayn’s stomach is covered with long, shite scars, some older than others.  
“Baby, I-” I pull up the sleeves on my sweater. “I have them too.” He stares at me for a moment, silent tears running down his cheeks. Then he leans forward and kisses me and I can feel the salt tears on my own lips.  
 _What if I had killed myself?_


End file.
